LOVE AND ABUNDANCE
Since I started receiving the Newsletters, I have read but not commented. I felt I had nothing to comment on.
The newsletter on love and abundance however, prompted me to write something. Even though I'm not sure what exactly it is I am going to write about, so here we go...
I'm 35 year old mother of two and I have fallen many times. It is these 'falls' that have made me look inside of me and ask "what is it that I am not paying attention to?" - as Lisa Ann says in her piece.
I'm in the process of recovering, emotionally, spiritually and otherwise. I started my healing process a little over 3 years ago when I started asking myself "why am I so unlucky, why can't I control making the same mistakes over and over again, why do I allow myself to be used as a doormat, why am I always angry, is this what my life is supposed to be? Who will then look after my precious boys when my life is in such a shambles?" .
In these 3 years I sought the help and comfort of the church, self help & motivational books and TV shows. I was on the look out for anything on TV that featured anything motivational, I was that desperate! During that time, I just did not get it and my frustrations doubled.
Three years later I got it! It was lack of self love! "at long last" I thought to myself. All of a sudden I understood for the first time, the books I was reading, for the first time in 3 years of trying to get my life together, I actually understood the simple message that was being relayed!
The concept of LOVE is so misunderstood and misused, it saddens me deeply. I learned that loving yourself first, helps you to move on much easier. I grasped the basic concept of life as a whole now. I have an understanding of what it is.
I still struggle sometimes and fight with my 'demons' (caring not to give then too much attention though) every now and again, so as to not go back to that dark, ugly, slimy, warm but very comfortable place I used to live in.
I take comfort in the fact that God has divinely orchestrated my life and with effort that I put in to it, for the betterment of it, there is no way I will steer away from the narrow path.
I am able to say this with confidence because I have gone through 'hell and back', have tried comitting suicide so many times, that the last time I landed in ICU (that was when I got my first wake up call). Through all of that God spared me. After so much ingratitude, throwing blessings bestowed upon me by my lover,my greatest supporter, the one Person that has never forsaken me, in his face, I realised that God has bigger things for me in store. I realised that I had a purpose to fulfill in this world, that I am by no way worthless.
I did not go to university and only felt the pressing need to go to a college and do a short learning course so that I can at least earn a little bit more money, was in this time of trying to better my life. I started doing the course just after I got laid off at work. I had no money but somehow everything came to pass and I was able to pay for school fees every month until I earned that Diploma. Today I have been accepted at an international university to do a masters degree(something that I never thought would ever happen), all because I believed, knew and was aware enough that there is an abundance of everything out there.
I started to believe!
Today I still take baby steps towards the life I want to live and have. I pace myself and I am reminded of where I come from and what I have achieved in this time. I am grateful everyday for my blessings even when I don't feel like it, I force myself to be because I am blessed, extremely.
And finally, after 6 years, I left the man whom I allowed to treat me as doormat. There is improvement in my life. AND it will get even better.